Why I'm Scared Our Baby Could be a Girl

Why I'm Scared Our Baby Could Be a Girl

Jon and I didn't really discuss that we would wait to find out our baby's gender, it just was something that felt right and natural to both of us. We don't have expectations, or prefer a certain gender over the other (though we both think it may be a boy). Instead of talking about what our baby will be when they grow up or what sports they will play, we talk about the important skills, values, and ideals we want to instill upon this rapidly growing little one.

For the first half of my pregnancy, I literally had dreams of having a little girl. I dreamed of what she would look like, how my heart would puddle to see Jon with her, and how I would do my best to teach her how she's is smart, and brave, and kind. With everything going on now, having a girl has become my biggest fear. 

I feel so lost and scared when I read what is happening in our government right now. I feel angry and isolated that we are still arguing "women's rights." (If someone can remind me of when men have had to continually defend and stand up for "men's rights," I would love to learn of it.) I don't feel protected, like a valued member of society, respected, or cared for. I do not feel equal. 

Going through the process of submitting short-term disability paperwork for my maternity leave (don't even get me started on the fact that I have to categorize the child growing inside of me as a "disability") has left me so defeated. The fact that my body and my brain are physically changing, will break and tear, will never be the same again is a lot of take in. Add to that the fact that in order to secure a position doing the thing I love, teaching, I will need to return to work while my 6 week old child is left in the care of someone else, as my body is still recuperating from the carnage and miracle of birth... and I just can't deal. 

And if, as a 27-year old woman, I can't understand or cope with these discrepancies between men and women, how will I teach my daughter any different? Of course we will teach her she IS important, and valued, and to be respectful to and respected by all, but how can I expect her to believe us when the whole world is telling her something quite the opposite?

The thing that scares me above all that is that I am one of the fortunate ones. I have a job I love, an incredibly loving and supportive husband and family, accessible medical care, a beautiful home, opportunities and adventures abounding, and a savings account. I dearly hope that if we have a daughter, she has everything I do at this stage of life.

But what if she doesn't? What if she can't afford insurance and needs medical help for cancer screening and Planned Parenthood has been defunded due to the illusion that all it offers is abortions? What if she is sexually assaulted, and our government has laid the framework that she should have been wearing more clothing or shouldn't have been drinking? What do I tell her when she's working hard every day at her demanding job and being compensated 20% less than her male counterpart? How will I prove to her that she is more than the looks we have passed on to her?

It's a daunting and terrifying task. This is a scary and telling time in our history. As women (and the men who support us), we need to stand together. And that doesn't mean to banish all your ideals, religions, and beliefs. It means to stop defending a man who boasted about sexual assault - even if you believe it was just "locker room talk." It means to stop fighting against Planned Parenthood - unless you also disagree with funding birth control, cancer screening, STI treatment, prenatal care, and people who cannot afford what you can. It means supporting women who march and fight for their beliefs instead of complaining about feminism on social media.

Earlier this school year, a parent was upset with the way I dealt with her son telling a girl to "kill herself because no one would care if she was dead." She said being pregnant caused me to see the situation and her son in a warped light. That HE was the bullied one, and since I had "pregnancy brain," I twisted the situation out of context. She complained to administration that I wasn't able to do my job because I had a child in my belly. I was brought into a meeting that was solely focused on the fact that I am a woman who is pregnant, and whether that impedes my ability to be a successful teacher.

We need to stop fighting for the men in power who are dictating what our bodies can and cannot do. We need to stand together in solidarity because if we don't, we are proving everything they believe about us to be true. It's okay if you are a Republican or Democrat, wealthy or poor, educated or not. I am here to tell you, and my future daughter if she's in there, that it's not okay for you to be treated differently because of your reproductive organs. If we don't do something about it, who will?